Lost in Midlife

What Goes Down Must Come Out!

What Goes Down Must Come Out!

“Everything looks great,” exclaimed my internist at my annual check up. “But there’s one more thing,” “What?” I wondered. “Well, now that you’re in your fifties you get an extra special gift.” I was so excited.  I never had a doctor give me a gift before.  As far as I knew none of my friends ever got a gift from…

Where Do Your Eggs Come From? I’m Not Eggsactly Sure

Where Do Your Eggs Come From? I’m Not Eggsactly Sure

Years ago when I was a kid, eggs in the supermarket came in two colors: white and brown. Because I perceived the brown eggs as being slightly bigger, I suspected that they did not actually come from chickens at all, but something bigger like ducks or geese, or possibly an emu.  Of course, the brown eggs were exactly the same…

Tracy and the Chocolate Factory

Tracy and the Chocolate Factory

Every so often I get an email of doom that has been sent to me along with everyone else on the planet. The latest one I received warned that we are on the verge of a severe Global Chocolate Shortage.   The alleged cause is a combination of high demand and some alienesque choco-viruses that are attacking our beloved cocoa beans.…

A Letter to My Leggings

A Letter to My Leggings

Dear Leggings, I think we need to talk. There was a time when you always had my back… or, at least, my backside.  You made me look darn good in boots and in sneakers, at the gym and on the street. You stuck by me through college, through babies, and after babies, which was infinitely worse, and never let so…

Top 10 Reasons I Like My Dog Better Than My Kids

Top 10 Reasons I Like My Dog Better Than My Kids

1. I don’t have to yell at the dog to stop texting at the table. Licking himself? Yes. Texting? No. 2. My dog will eat anything he finds in his bowl. He will also eat anything on the floor, in the hamper, and outside, dead or alive. 3. My dog is perfectly happy to play with just a dirty sock…

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

“I’ll be right back,” said my husband as he headed for the door. “Where are you going?” I demanded.  We were in the middle of moving our summer stuff out of storage and putting our winter stuff back in. It was a relatively massive job and I was counting on my husband to do all the heavy lifting while I…

Out of the Cast Iron Pan and into the Fire

Out of the Cast Iron Pan and into the Fire

When a friend gave me a gift of a cast iron pan, I was very appreciative. She’s a great cook and she swore by her great-grandmother’s hand-me-down cast iron pan. Apparently it had been in the family since they migrated east from the great plains in the 1800’s where they used to cook scorpions in their cast iron pans over an open flame…

If the Shoe Fits, Lose it

If the Shoe Fits, Lose it

“Honey, have you seen my shoes?” asked my husband as he wandered around the living room, peering under furniture. “Which ones?” I responded. “My brown boots.” I touched my temple and closed my eyes.  “Hmmm.  I can see them. Yes, they are coming into focus.  They are… under the kitchen table!” My eyes popped open and I smiled. “How do…

Over, Under, Whatever!

Over, Under, Whatever!

Contrary to popular belief, the three words a woman likes to hear most from her husband are not, “I love you.”  They are, “You were right.” So, you can imagine my utter, sheer, uncontainable joy when I heard the news this week that there was finally proof of something I had been telling my husband for years: Toilet paper is…