Lost in Midlife

Over, Under, Whatever!

Over, Under, Whatever!

Contrary to popular belief, the three words a woman likes to hear most from her husband are not, “I love you.”  They are, “You were right.” So, you can imagine my utter, sheer, uncontainable joy when I heard the news this week that there was finally proof of something I had been telling my husband for years: Toilet paper is…

The Tooth and Nothing but the Tooth

The Tooth and Nothing but the Tooth

Recently I had to go to the drugstore to buy a tube of toothpaste. It took me an hour and a half and I almost had a nervous breakdown. In all honesty, I absolutely believe that there are people in psychiatric hospitals right now who are there as a direct result of shopping for toothpaste. In fact, in the top…

Being a Good Sport

Being a Good Sport

“It’s Tennis Elbow,” my doctor said matter-of-factly. “That’s impossible,” I responded, as I massaged my sore elbow.  “I don’t play tennis.” She sighed.  “It’s just called that because it’s a repetitive injury that is commonly seen in tennis players.” “Well, the only thing I do repetitively with that arm is change the channel with my remote.  In fact,” I continued,…

A Letter to My Ovaries

Dear Jezebel and Medusa, I thought it was time I wrote you, my dear ovaries, a letter. Word on the street has it that you are not happy about the fact that you are still in business. I don’t blame you. You’ve been doing the whole egg release thing since I was 12. I’d be bored if I had the…

Are You a Good Cholesterol or a Bad Cholesterol?

Are You a Good Cholesterol or a Bad Cholesterol?

On most tests, the higher you score, the better you do.  So naturally, when my doctor told me that I got over 300 on my cholesterol test. I thought this was a good thing. “Last year it was 240,” he told me over the phone. “Wow,” I exclaimed. “That’s amazing. I didn’t go up that much the second time I…

To Bra or Not to Bra, That is the Question

To Bra or Not to Bra, That is the Question

My bra is trying to kill me. I know this for a fact because before I put the bra on, I was fine, But after I wore it for ten hours, I thought I was going to die. I’d heard about these renegade bras before in the news. Bras that suddenly, inexplicably stop caring. It’s like something out of a…

Confessions of a Part-Time Yeti

Confessions of a Part-Time Yeti

When I was little, my mother insisted that I wear the wooliest possible hat in the winter under the erroneous belief that people lose ninety percent of their body heat through their heads.  I suspected this was an old wives’ tale employed by overbearing mothers to make their kids wear the ugliest hats on the planet. However, without solid proof…

I Am Woman, Hear Me Trumpet

I Am Woman, Hear Me Trumpet

I’m fifty-five, and according to my gynecologist, I’m not even in peri-menopause yet. I told her I thought she was mistaken because I had started sprouting chin hairs and my knees had started to wrinkle. She said that those weren’t a sign of menopause. They were signs I was turning into an elephant. She was actually very happy that I…

Killing Me Softly with Your Song

Killing Me Softly with Your Song

To whomever picks out the music that gets played while we’re shopping in the supermarket, As a loyal shopper at your grocery store, I thought it was time to acknowledge the contribution you make to my weekly food shopping experience.  I imagine that yours is an often thankless job, so I figured you would appreciate some feedback for the obvious…