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No Phone on the Throne

No Phone on the Throne

I could hear the phone ringing from the bathroom.  I have no psychic abilities and I wasn’t expecting a call, but I had absolutely no doubt who was calling. It was my husband. “Hey honey, it’s me,” I heard him say to my voicemail. “Can you give me a call?” “I’M IN THE BATHROOM!” I yelled back, as though he could…

Pillow Talk

Pillow Talk

Every once in a while I get bitten by the redecorating bug and I feel compelled to refresh one of the rooms in the house. In the grand scheme of things, this is not as bad, as say, wanting to refresh husbands.  Of course, it might actually be cheaper to get a new husband than a new family room.  But…

A Letter to the Grammar Police

A Letter to the Grammar Police

Dear Grammar Police, I wanted to thank you publicly for noticing a grammatical error in my recent column with regard to my use of the pronoun “I.” Apparently I had written, “the kids and I,” when I should have said “the kids and me.” This was a gross error of unparalleled magnitude and I apologize profusely for committing this miscarriage…

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

“I’ll be right back,” said my husband as he headed for the door. “Where are you going?” I demanded.  We were in the middle of moving some of our stuff out of storage and putting some other stuff back in. It was a relatively massive job and I was counting on my husband to do all the heavy lifting while…

Darnit, that’s One Good, Dang Diner

Darnit, that’s One Good, Dang Diner

“Hey Mom, I’m hungry, can we stop for something to eat?” inquired one of my offspring. “Sure,” I said, looking out the car window.  “How ‘bout we go to that Dam Diner.” “TRACY!” yelled my husband. “What?” I replied, smirking.  “That’s what it’s called: ‘The Dam Diner.’” I pointed out the window to a restaurant coming up on the right.  It…

What Goes Down Must Come Out!

What Goes Down Must Come Out!

“Everything looks great,” exclaimed my internist at my annual check up. “But there’s one more thing,” “What?” I wondered. “Well, now that you’re in your fifties you get an extra special gift.” I was so excited.  I never had a doctor give me a gift before.  As far as I knew none of my friends ever got a gift from…

Where Do Your Eggs Come From? I’m Not Eggsactly Sure

Where Do Your Eggs Come From? I’m Not Eggsactly Sure

Years ago when I was a kid, eggs in the supermarket came in two colors: white and brown. Because I perceived the brown eggs as being slightly bigger, I suspected that they did not actually come from chickens at all, but something bigger like ducks or geese, or possibly an emu.  Of course, the brown eggs were exactly the same…

Tracy and the Chocolate Factory

Tracy and the Chocolate Factory

Every so often I get an email of doom that has been sent to me along with everyone else on the planet. The latest one I received warned that we are on the verge of a severe Global Chocolate Shortage.   The alleged cause is a combination of high demand and some alienesque choco-viruses that are attacking our beloved cocoa beans.…

A Letter to My Leggings

A Letter to My Leggings

Dear Leggings, I think we need to talk. There was a time when you always had my back… or, at least, my backside.  You made me look darn good in boots and in sneakers, at the gym and on the street. You stuck by me through college, through babies, and after babies, which was infinitely worse, and never let so…