“It’s Tennis Elbow,” my doctor said matter-of-factly.
“That’s impossible,” I responded, as I massaged my sore elbow. “I don’t play tennis.”
She sighed. “It’s just called that because it’s a repetitive injury that is commonly seen in tennis players.”
“Well, the only thing I do repetitively with that arm is change the channel with my remote. In fact,” I continued, “I think you’re pulling my leg.”
“I’m not,” she assured me. “Look it up.”
“Speaking of legs,” I continued, “I’ve also been having a problem with my knee.”
She poked and prodded my knee in a bunch of different places and turned it a few different directions.
“It’s Golfers Knee,” she declared.
“OH, COME ON!” I shouted. “Now you’re just messing with me.”
“I swear, I’m not. I’m pretty sure you have Tennis Elbow and Golfers Knee,” she said and giggled.
“Well, it’s not actually called Golfers Knee, but it’s another repetitive injury associated with golf.” She paused. “Anything else?” She wondered hopefully.
I was reticent to mention any thing else, but seeing as I only get one doctor appointment a year, I thought I might as well lay it all out there.
“Well, I do have an ache in my ear,” I admitted. She peered in my ear with one of her doctor periscopey things and snorted.
“What?” I demanded.
“You have Swimmers Ear,” she announced, laughing out loud.
“Do you do a lot of swimming?” She asked.
“Do you wear headphones a lot?”
“Yes,” I admitted.
“It could be from that,” she said.
“Then why don’t they call it Headphone Ear?” I demanded.
“Because most people get it from swimming,” she replied.
I thought about the fact that while I do exercise somewhat regularly at the gym, I’m not nearly enough of an athlete to have three sports-related injuries… None of which, I might add, I actually even play. At this point I was afraid to point out any other aches and pains for fear that she might tell me my occasional headaches were football concussions and the stiffness in my shoulder was from playing ice hockey, or possibly from my amateur shot put hobby, not to mention the back aches I probably got from competing in Luge. There was a chance, given all my inactivity, that I might actually make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for most sports-related injuries without actually playing any sports.
There was a chance, given all my inactivity, that I might actually make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for most sports-related injuries, without actually playing any sports.
Clearly none of this made sense. If she said I had “Bed-Making Back” or “Dish Washing Wrist” or “Food Shopping Shoulder,” THAT would make sense. On the subject of repetitive use injuries, it was altogether possible that I could have Facebook Finger or a Twitter Twitch. At the very least I knew I probably had Email Eyestrain from trying to read tiny little emails on my cell phone.
While I got dressed, she started writing me prescriptions for physical therapy for my elbow, an MRI for my knee, and drops for my ear. She also ordered up routine blood work, a cholesterol check, and a colonoscopy just for fun. As she tore one page after another off her prescription pad I felt myself start to get woozy.
“Actually, I’m suddenly not feeling so well,” I said.
“What’s up?” She asked.
“I think I feel an Insurance Headache coming on.”
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