Cleanliness is Next to Impossibleness

If the Shoe Fits, Lose it

If the Shoe Fits, Lose it

“Honey, have you seen my shoes?” asked my husband as he wandered around the living room, peering under furniture. “Which ones?” I responded. “My brown boots.” I touched my temple and closed my eyes.  “Hmmm.  I can see them. Yes, they are coming into focus.  They are… under the kitchen table!” My eyes popped open and I smiled. “How do…

Over, Under, Whatever!

Over, Under, Whatever!

Contrary to popular belief, the three words a woman likes to hear most from her husband are not, “I love you.”  They are, “You were right.” So, you can imagine my utter, sheer, uncontainable joy when I heard the news this week that there was finally proof of something I had been telling my husband for years: Toilet paper is…

The Tooth and Nothing but the Tooth

The Tooth and Nothing but the Tooth

Recently I had to go to the drugstore to buy a tube of toothpaste. It took me an hour and a half and I almost had a nervous breakdown. In all honesty, I absolutely believe that there are people in psychiatric hospitals right now who are there as a direct result of shopping for toothpaste. In fact, in the top…

A Load of Rubbish

A Load of Rubbish

For me, one of the joys of city living was the garbage chute. Yes, it doesn’t take much to make me happy. For the uninitiated, the garbage chute is the place in your building where you toss your garbage and watch as it disappears into some garbage black hole so that it can be whisked away to Garbage Land without you…

When Bad Things Happen to Good Grill Tools

When Bad Things Happen to Good Grill Tools

“Honey, have you seen my grill tools?” asked my husband, as he ran in from his grilling post on the back deck. I pointed to the cabinet over the fridge. “No, those are my BACK-UP grill tools,” he clarified. “I’m looking for my GOOD grill tools.” I rolled my eyes. I knew what grill tools he was looking for. They…

Make Like a Tree and Leave

Make Like a Tree and Leave

“Don’t you love fall foliage?” A friend of mine asked as we watched brilliant leaves of red, orange and gold waft down from the trees. “It’s such a beautiful time of year.” I rolled my eyes. I had no patience for the leaf lovers, the autumn enthusiasts, the fall foliage fanatics. I had bigger fish to fry. I was a…

Cruisin' in the Garbage Mobile

Cruisin' in the Garbage Mobile

We are a two-car family.  My husband drives the sexy, little midlife crisis car and I drive the monster kid tank.   I suppose it makes sense because he only uses his car to drives himself to and from the train station, whereas I use mine to drive the kids and a cast of thousands around all day.  Naturally, I also need…

Coming out of the Closet

Coming out of the Closet

Not too long ago, if you said you had a room the size of a closet, it meant the space was probably pretty darn small. These days, however, it’s not uncommon to have a closet the size of a living room, with more sliding drawers, revolving racks and custom shoe trees than Barney’s or Bloomies or Paris Hilton. So nowadays,…

How to Give a Dog a Bath

How to Give a Dog a Bath

When the dog starts to smell like Eau de Garbage, his breath is bad enough to peel paint off the walls, and people think he is a brown dog when really he is white, I know it’s time to give him a bath. Since I am the one who feeds, walks and cleans up after him, it has fallen to…

When Peanut Butter and Jelly Vandals Attack

When Peanut Butter and Jelly Vandals Attack

“Did someone throw a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich at my car?” I asked.  My husband and kids just stared at me. “There is Peanut Butter and Jelly on the side of my car,” I explained. “What makes you think it’s Peanut Butter and Jelly?” asked my husband. “It’s purple and brown,” I said. “Did you taste it?” asked my…