Growing old ungracefully

This is My Final Word on This. Period.

This is My Final Word on This. Period.

My good friend Susan recently gave me a medal. This is it. It is not for being a great writer, or a good friend, or a stupendous wife. It’s for being the Oldest Living Menstruating Woman on the Planet. Honestly, I didn’t know they give medals for stuff like that, but Susan says they do, and she is a humor-writing,…

Seeing Eye to Eye to Eye

Seeing Eye to Eye to Eye

In certain Eastern spiritual traditions, the “Third Eye” is a mystical concept that represents a space of higher consciousness and enlightenment. For me, it represents a zit right in the middle of my forehead. “Nice third eye,” said my husband when I woke up one morning. “Whaaa?” I questioned, running to the mirror in the bathroom. “Can you see my…

Can You See me Now?

Can You See me Now?

Not long after my fiftieth birthday I noticed a disturbing trend.  Everyone had suddenly started printing things smaller. As I looked around, I was shocked to see that the type on the food packaging had gotten smaller, the words in the newspaper and magazines I read had gotten smaller, and the names on street signs had gotten smaller. As a…

The Brapocalypse

The Brapocalypse

My philosophy has always been, when you find something that works, stick with it.  This was true for my preferred brand of peanut butter, my husband, and my bras.  Although some people may find it boring to stick with the same style of bra for years and years, for those of us who are a tough fit, finding a good…

Making the Least of a Hairy Situation

Making the Least of a Hairy Situation

One of the things I find to be a complete waste of time is shaving my legs. It’s not that I don’t need it, it’s just that the shave lasts all of about eight hours before the werewolf in me begins to re-emerge. Additionally, with the vast acreage of hairy body parts that need to be attended to, it takes…

Attack of the Frozen Forehead

Attack of the Frozen Forehead

About five years ago I noticed that the shallow lines on my forehead had started to morph into wandering rivers. Since I wear my hair very short, there wasn’t really any way to cover them up and I complained to my husband that I was starting to look old. “How old do you think you look?” he asked. “Around fifty,”…

The French Connection

The French Connection

I’m having an affair. My kids know, of course, because they’re often with me when it happens. I know its wrong, but no matter how many promises I make to myself, I seem unable to stop it.  Much as I hate to admit it, I’m in love… with French fries. I truly loathe my weakness.  I know it’s bad for…

Having the Time of My Shoes

Having the Time of My Shoes

Like many women I know, I have a vast array of shoes. Unlike clothing, shoes, for the most part, continue to fit whether you gain or lose weight, so they are the bright spot in a sometimes cruel and taunting closet. For this reason, women take their shoes very seriously and many will spend quite some time organizing their shoes…