Husbands and other Aliens

Attack of the Frozen Forehead

Attack of the Frozen Forehead

About five years ago I noticed that the shallow lines on my forehead had started to morph into wandering rivers. Since I wear my hair very short, there wasn’t really any way to cover them up and I complained to my husband that I was starting to look old. “How old do you think you look?” he asked. “Around fifty,”…

The Cream of the Crop

The Cream of the Crop

“Oh no!” I cried from the bathroom. “Honey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” My husband ran into the room, wondering, I’m sure, what kind of tragedy could have transpired with only me, the sink, and the toilet in the room. “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” I said, looking at him forlornly. “What???” he asked. “I used my night cream instead…

No Phone on the Throne

No Phone on the Throne

I could hear the phone ringing from the bathroom.  I have no psychic abilities and I wasn’t expecting a call, but I had absolutely no doubt who was calling. It was my husband. “Hey honey, it’s me,” I heard him say to my voicemail. “Can you give me a call?” “I’M IN THE BATHROOM!” I yelled back, as though he could…

Pillow Talk

Pillow Talk

Every once in a while I get bitten by the redecorating bug and I feel compelled to refresh one of the rooms in the house. In the grand scheme of things, this is not as bad, as say, wanting to refresh husbands.  Of course, it might actually be cheaper to get a new husband than a new family room.  But…

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

“I’ll be right back,” said my husband as he headed for the door. “Where are you going?” I demanded.  We were in the middle of moving some of our stuff out of storage and putting some other stuff back in. It was a relatively massive job and I was counting on my husband to do all the heavy lifting while…

Darnit, that’s One Good, Dang Diner

Darnit, that’s One Good, Dang Diner

“Hey Mom, I’m hungry, can we stop for something to eat?” inquired one of my offspring. “Sure,” I said, looking out the car window.  “How ‘bout we go to that Dam Diner.” “TRACY!” yelled my husband. “What?” I replied, smirking.  “That’s what it’s called: ‘The Dam Diner.’” I pointed out the window to a restaurant coming up on the right.  It…

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

“I’ll be right back,” said my husband as he headed for the door. “Where are you going?” I demanded.  We were in the middle of moving our summer stuff out of storage and putting our winter stuff back in. It was a relatively massive job and I was counting on my husband to do all the heavy lifting while I…

If the Shoe Fits, Lose it

If the Shoe Fits, Lose it

“Honey, have you seen my shoes?” asked my husband as he wandered around the living room, peering under furniture. “Which ones?” I responded. “My brown boots.” I touched my temple and closed my eyes.  “Hmmm.  I can see them. Yes, they are coming into focus.  They are… under the kitchen table!” My eyes popped open and I smiled. “How do…

Over, Under, Whatever!

Over, Under, Whatever!

Contrary to popular belief, the three words a woman likes to hear most from her husband are not, “I love you.”  They are, “You were right.” So, you can imagine my utter, sheer, uncontainable joy when I heard the news this week that there was finally proof of something I had been telling my husband for years: Toilet paper is…