Husbands and other Aliens

Putting the Veggies in Veggetti

Putting the Veggies in Veggetti

“What’s for dinner tonight?” my husband asked, inhaling deeply as he lifted the top off a simmering pot of tomato sauce. I shooed him away. “We’re having Spaghetti Marinara.” “Cool,” he said. “But I thought we were eating gluten-free?” “We are,” I assured him. “But pasta isn’t gluten-free.” “It’s not actually spaghetti,” I said. “It’s Veggetti.” “Veggetti?” he repeated. “Yeah.…

Seeing Eye to Eye to Eye

Seeing Eye to Eye to Eye

In certain Eastern spiritual traditions, the “Third Eye” is a mystical concept that represents a space of higher consciousness and enlightenment. For me, it represents a zit right in the middle of my forehead. “Nice third eye,” said my husband when I woke up one morning. “Whaaa?” I questioned, running to the mirror in the bathroom. “Can you see my…

The Coming of Snowmageddon

The Coming of Snowmageddon

“What are you doing?” I asked my husband who was digging into his toolbox. “I’m looking for my tape measure,” he said. “Why?” “So when the snow comes, I can measure it,” he replied matter-of-factly. Although my husband sometimes comes up with some crazy ideas, this certainly seemed like a reasonable thing to do if we were expecting a lot…

Above and Beyond the Call of Nature

Above and Beyond the Call of Nature

Contrary to popular belief, the three words a woman likes to hear most from her husband are not, “I love you.” They are, “You were right.” So, you can imagine my utter, sheer, uncontainable joy when I heard the news this week that there was finally proof of something I had been telling my husband for years: Toilet paper is…

A Cronut by Any Other Name

A Cronut by Any Other Name

“Ummm, this is good,” said my husband with a mouthful of food. “What is it?” I looked up from the kitchen sink where I was doing dishes.  “It’s a cronut.” “A what?” “A cronut.  It’s part croissant part doughnut.” He looked at me like I had two heads. “I was actually going to get some duffins, but the cronuts looked…

Attack of the Frozen Forehead

Attack of the Frozen Forehead

About five years ago I noticed that the shallow lines on my forehead had started to morph into wandering rivers. Since I wear my hair very short, there wasn’t really any way to cover them up and I complained to my husband that I was starting to look old. “How old do you think you look?” he asked. “Around fifty,”…

The Cream of the Crop

The Cream of the Crop

“Oh no!” I cried from the bathroom. “Honey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” My husband ran into the room, wondering, I’m sure, what kind of tragedy could have transpired with only me, the sink, and the toilet in the room. “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” I said, looking at him forlornly. “What???” he asked. “I used my night cream instead…

No Phone on the Throne

No Phone on the Throne

I could hear the phone ringing from the bathroom.  I have no psychic abilities and I wasn’t expecting a call, but I had absolutely no doubt who was calling. It was my husband. “Hey honey, it’s me,” I heard him say to my voicemail. “Can you give me a call?” “I’M IN THE BATHROOM!” I yelled back, as though he could…

Pillow Talk

Pillow Talk

Every once in a while I get bitten by the redecorating bug and I feel compelled to refresh one of the rooms in the house. In the grand scheme of things, this is not as bad, as say, wanting to refresh husbands.  Of course, it might actually be cheaper to get a new husband than a new family room.  But…

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

“I’ll be right back,” said my husband as he headed for the door. “Where are you going?” I demanded.  We were in the middle of moving some of our stuff out of storage and putting some other stuff back in. It was a relatively massive job and I was counting on my husband to do all the heavy lifting while…