Midlife

Attack of the Frozen Forehead

Attack of the Frozen Forehead

About five years ago I noticed that the shallow lines on my forehead had started to morph into wandering rivers. Since I wear my hair very short, there wasn’t really any way to cover them up and I complained to my husband that I was starting to look old. “How old do you think you look?” he asked. “Around fifty,”…

Welcome to the Club

Welcome to the Club

“I got an invitation on Facebook to join the Magnetic Eyelashes Fan Group,” I told my husband as I stared at my computer screen. “What does that even mean,” he asked incredulously. “It’s a group on Facebook for people who like Magnetic Eyelashes, I assume.” “Is that a thing?” he said. “Apparently,” I said. “Although I have no idea what…

All Lined Up and Nowhere to Go

All Lined Up and Nowhere to Go

It was one of those days where everything was taking a ridiculously long time. There was a line at the drycleaners. A line at the supermarket. A line at the coffee shop. I was starting to think that everyone in the world had the same to-do list that I did; they were just one to-do ahead of me the whole…

If the Tankini Fits…

If the Tankini Fits…

This year, I worked hard to drop a few pounds over the winter so that when the summer arrived, I wouldn’t have to face my annual swimwear terror attack. Honestly, I find shark-infested waters less scary than trying on bathing suits. Bungee jumping? Piece of cake. Wrestling alligators? Not a problem. Standing half-naked in front of a three-way mirror when I…

No Phone on the Throne

No Phone on the Throne

I could hear the phone ringing from the bathroom.  I have no psychic abilities and I wasn’t expecting a call, but I had absolutely no doubt who was calling. It was my husband. “Hey honey, it’s me,” I heard him say to my voicemail. “Can you give me a call?” “I’M IN THE BATHROOM!” I yelled back, as though he could…

What Goes Down Must Come Out!

What Goes Down Must Come Out!

“Everything looks great,” exclaimed my internist at my annual check up. “But there’s one more thing,” “What?” I wondered. “Well, now that you’re in your fifties you get an extra special gift.” I was so excited.  I never had a doctor give me a gift before.  As far as I knew none of my friends ever got a gift from…

Tracy and the Chocolate Factory

Tracy and the Chocolate Factory

Every so often I get an email of doom that has been sent to me along with everyone else on the planet. The latest one I received warned that we are on the verge of a severe Global Chocolate Shortage.   The alleged cause is a combination of high demand and some alienesque choco-viruses that are attacking our beloved cocoa beans.…

A Letter to My Leggings

A Letter to My Leggings

Dear Leggings, I think we need to talk. There was a time when you always had my back… or, at least, my backside.  You made me look darn good in boots and in sneakers, at the gym and on the street. You stuck by me through college, through babies, and after babies, which was infinitely worse, and never let so…

If the Shoe Fits, Lose it

If the Shoe Fits, Lose it

“Honey, have you seen my shoes?” asked my husband as he wandered around the living room, peering under furniture. “Which ones?” I responded. “My brown boots.” I touched my temple and closed my eyes.  “Hmmm.  I can see them. Yes, they are coming into focus.  They are… under the kitchen table!” My eyes popped open and I smiled. “How do…