When our dog starts to smell like Eau de Garbage, his breath is bad enough to peel paint off the walls, and people think he is a brown dog when really he is black, I know it’s time to give him a bath. Since I am the one who feeds, walks and cleans up after him, it has fallen to me to be the official dog bather as well. Naturally, there are many different books written on this subject, and many people who think they know the best way to bathe a dog, but I like to think that over the years, I have really perfected this particular duty of pet ownership. Having a vast amount of expertise in this area, I will share with you the procedure for the absolute best way to bathe a dog:
1) Fill tub with warm water up to your dog’s elbows.
2) Carefully lift dog into tub.
3) Chase dripping dog through house after he jumps out of the tub, out the bathroom, up the stairs, and onto your bed.
4) Drag dog back downstairs and bring him back into the bathroom.
5) THIS TIME, remember to close bathroom door behind you.
6) Lift dog back into tub.
7) Turn on water and shriek helplessly as hose attachment whips around spraying water everywhere.
8) Clean up water that sprayed everywhere.
9) THIS TIME, remember to switch off hose attachment before you run water.
10) When the water is lukewarm, switch faucet back to hose, hold dog firmly with one hand and spray dog until fur is soaked through.
11) Release dog to get shampoo that you left under the sink and shriek helplessly as dog shakes repeatedly and sprays water everywhere.
12) Clean up water that sprayed everywhere.
13) THIS TIME, remember to keep firm hold on dog as you apply dime-sized amount of dog shampoo to fur and work into a lather all over dog.
14) Scream, “NO, DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!!!” when daughter opens bathroom door and comes in to see what you are doing.
15) Chase very soapy dog through house after he jumps out of the tub, out the bathroom, up the stairs, and back onto your bed.
16) Make mental note to put “DO NOT OPEN!!!” sign on bathroom door next time you wash dog.
17) Drag soapy dog back downstairs and lift him back into tub.
18) Remember that floor is now quite slippery and take caution lifting dog.
19) Abandon dog to get ice pack from freezer. Apply to forehead where you slipped and banged head on side of tub.
20) Return to bathroom to find daughter, covered in dog hair and soap, in bathtub with dog.
21) Abandon dog to go wash daughter.
22) Realize you left bathroom door open when you went to wash daughter.
23) Go get dog off wet and soapy bed.
24) Drag dog back downstairs
25) Put leash on dog and drive him to professional groomers.