I’m one of those people who buys a lot of toys for my dog.


Maybe I do it out of guilt for those times I leave him home alone while I run out to go shopping, do errands or whatever. So what if I bribe my dog with squeaky, fuzzy and tuggy things? I do the same thing with my kids and they seem ok with it.

However, while I have been able to somewhat successfully teach my kids to put their toys away, I have had no such luck with my dog. I actually can’t get my husband to put his toys away either, but that’s another blog post.

Our dog Monty has a bin in the kitchen where we keep all his toys… and due to my guilt induced dog toy-buying sprees, he has a lot of them. This means that when he leaves his toys around, there can be upwards of seven assorted rubber Frisbees, several petrified semi-chewed dog bones, a half dozen formerly furry things that are now stiff with dried dog drool, and a couple of squeaky squirrel things on the floor of the family room and kitchen at any one time.

It is, quite truthfully, a dog toy mine field.

Fortunately, I have gotten used to looking down when I walk around this area so as not to trip over or step on the dog, his toys, or the occasional pile of doggie puke.

Unfortunately, I am not always so observant, and one morning as I was walking and talking to my husband on the phone, I failed to notice one of the larger dog accessories right in my path. How I could miss a rubber bone that was almost as big as my leg, I’m not quite sure.

But before you could say “Down Boy,” I was sprawled on the floor with a fat lip the size of Texas.

Now, I know there are some women who pay a lot of money for lip fillers to plump up their pouts. But I have been blessed with big lips so this was not really a feature I needed to enhance.

Peeling myself off the floor, I ran into the bathroom to look in the mirror. There was no disguising it. I had Trout Mouth.

“Is everything OK?” asked my husband when he called me back. “I heard a yell, a curse, and a thunk.”

“I fell on the dog’s bone and I got a fat lip,” is what I tried to say. But that’s not what came out.

“I thell on the dog’th mone and I got a that lit.” I said emphatically.20141111_093717


“I THELL and I got a THAT LIT.” I repeated.

“You thell?” he wondered. “What’s a thell? Honey, you’re not making any sense.”

I decided to try a different tact. “I tritt on a mone!”

“You tritt? Huh?”

I thought that maybe I should just simplify to get my point across. “I hurt my lit.”

“What is a LIT?” he demanded.

I sighed. This was almost more painful than the lip itself. I was at a loss. Was there any way to communicate to my husband what happened that did not require the use of an F or a P?

“I got hurt.” I told him.

“Oh. Are you OK?”

“Yeah. But I got a that lit.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry honey, I just can’t understand you.”

I threw up my arms in defeat and then thrust the phone at the guilty party.

“Here. Talk to the dog.”

©2014, Beckerman. All rights reserved.

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  • angelaweight

    LOL! I’m afraid having read this, I’ll trip over one of Katie’s or Ayla’s toys and get an equally fat lip. Because funny, coincidental things like that happen to me. Thanks, Tracey!!!

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      I think you and I live parallel lives! But that’s how we end up with material for our columns, right?

      • angelaweight


  • energywriter

    Tracy, So funny! I was laughing so hard. I hope your lit is healing well. Did you text hubby back with the news? My dog used to eat his frisbees and basketballs. sd

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      My dog doesn’t eat his toys… he eats our socks. Go figure.

  • shitastrophy

    I often trip over my dogs, they are 100 lb Bernese Mountain Dogs…so yeah I should have seen them. I can relate, the bone doesn’t sound so bad.

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      You have TWO of them? At least they give you a large cushy surface to fall on.

  • shitastrophy

    I often trip over my 100 lb Bernese Mountain Dogs, the bone makes total sense to me.

  • ace1028

    Once my older dog – when he was a puppy – jumped up at my face and zonked me so hard I swear I saw stars. SO I totally thought Monty had jumped you for hugs and love. But the toys, thankfully we’ve got fewer of them these days, even with an additional dog, because they chew them so fast!!

    Anyway, I hope your lit is okay, too. 😉

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      I’ve had that happen too. Try explaining THAT concussion to the ER doctors.

  • kizzbeth

    Here’s a tutorial to get Monty started! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5i-tqJJxUgM

  • Harvey Baron

    Funny. I like the last line. Made me laugh. XO dad

    Sent from my iPad

    On Nov 11, 2014, at 9:45 AM, Lost in Suburbia wrote:

    WordPress.com lostinsuburbiablog posted: “I’m one of those people who buys a lot of toys for my dog. Maybe I do it out of guilt for those times I leave him home alone while I run out to go shopping, do errands or whatever. So what if I bribe my dog with squeaky, fuzzy and tuggy things? I do “

  • Deb Sarley

    Hey Tracy..I can totally relate! We have a dalmatian named Brinkley. When he was a puppy, he head butted me while trying to chase our cat. I had a black eye for over three weeks …try explaining that on at work!!

    • admin

      I broke my thumb walking Monty when he was about 6 months old. He saw a squirrel and took off and dragged me along for the chase. What we go through for our pets!

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