Contrary to popular belief, the three words a woman likes to hear most from her husband are not, “I love you.” They are, “You were right.”
So, you can imagine my utter, sheer, uncontainable joy when I heard the news this week that there was finally proof of something I had been telling my husband for years:
Toilet paper is supposed to be hung with the paper draped over, not under.
I had always assumed this was the right way to hang the paper because it just made good toilet paper sense. Then a guy on the Internet who clearly had too much time on his hands uncovered a 124 year-old patent filed by someone named Seth Wheeler who invented perforated toilet paper (so you could tear off one square at a time). Wheeler’s patent application unmistakably showed the toilet paper hanging over, thus ending the critical over/under debate that has raged in society for over a century.
Naturally, this was huge news in the “over” camp, and those of us who have spent a lifetime trying to get the message out there could not wait to share it with the “under” people.
So, after I brought this to my husband’s attention, I waited patiently for him to say those three little words. But he just shrugged.
“Honestly honey, I really couldn’t care less which way the toilet paper is hung,” he said.
I was aghast.
“You say that,” I sputtered. “But isn’t it annoying when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night expecting the toilet paper to be hung over, and you’re fumbling to try to find the end of the roll, but you CAN’T because it was hung under, and as you spin it, it just unrolls onto the floor?”
He looked at me like I had lost my mind. I wondered if this was one of those Men are from Mars things, kind of like how I feel it’s polite to drink milk from a cup, not the carton, and he’s all like, “We have cups?”
“No,” he finally said.
“Why?” I insisted.
“’Because I usually don’t need toilet paper in the middle of the night.”
I scowled. I hadn’t thought of that. There was a basic anatomy difference that kind of made my whole point moot.
Now I was miffed. I was under the erroneous assumption that not only was I due some credit for my correct toilet paper hanging all these years, but also that this news would ensure a future free of underhanging toilet paper from my other family members.
But sadly, when it came to how the toilet paper hangs, frankly my dear, they couldn’t give a darn.
Maybe, MAYBE, I was over-reaching with the over/under thing.
I thought about this for a minute and realized that I probably had to choose my battles and that maybe, maybe, I was over-reaching with the over/under thing.
“Okay,” I sighed. “Forget about whether the toilet paper should hang over or under.”
“Good,” he said.
I nodded. “Let’s just work on actually changing the roll when it’s empty.”
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