Note: In honor of the Olympics, I’d like to share with you my very special version that we host on a regular basis here in the suburbs. I wrote this one several years ago so don’t let the dog reference throw you. If you are a regular visitor to this blog, you know that our dog has recently passed on to Kibble heaven. But we remember him fondly in this post!


“It’s another beautiful day here at the Suburban Summer Olympics where we’re entering our tenth day of competition. What do we have to look forward to today, Allison?”

“Well Bob, our leading competitor, Tracy Beckerman, is starting to show some signs of exhaustion as we look at another day of record-breaking temperatures. Beckerman is nearing the end of the Getting the Kids on the Camp Bus marathon. She just finished the Applying the Suntan Lotion to the Struggling Kids part of the competition and is preparing for the Mounting of the Backpacks and Ushering the Kids onto the Camp Bus segment. They’re heading down the driveway and, oh no, one of the kids has decided she wants to change shirts. That’s going to cost Beckerman some time.”

“Too bad!”

“Well, she still has five minutes before the next event, Bob.”

“What’s that?”

“Any minute they’ll be releasing the dog from the house and with any luck, he’ll head straight for the brook, ignore Beckerman’s calls, and romp through the muddy waters.”

“Yesterday, I believe, he actually made it all the way to the pile of mulch before she was able to grab him, hose him down, and get him back inside.”

“Yes Bob. That was certainly an exciting event.”

“But today certainly looks promising. There will be workmen at the house painting the deck and fence. Beckerman will have a challenge keeping the dog away from the men and the paint.”

“Yes, remember during the winter games when the dog ran through the wet concrete subfloor Beckerman was laying down during the Kitchen Renovation competition.”

“Yup, that was something. Oh, here comes the dog! He’s in the brook. Beckerman is throwing doggie treats at him but he’s not responding and… Whoa! The workmen just pulled up! The dog is out of the brook; he’s running toward the workmen, and, OH NO! He just jumped up on a workman with muddy paws!”

“She’s going to lose points for that.”

“Here comes Beckerman with the hose. She’s got the dog by the collar, and, she sprays! That may be record time for her. She’s toweling off the dog and… he’s in the house. THE DOG IS IN THE HOUSE, FOLKS! A beautiful grab, spray and drag the dog performed by Beckerman.”

“OK, here come the numbers. 9.8, 9.7, 9.8, 9.9! 9.8. She pulled it off ! Beckerman is still in the lead!”

“Wow, a very thrilling start to today’s competition! We’re going to break now for a commercial while Beckerman heads over to Dunkin’ Donuts for a medium iced hazelnut coffee, and then it’s the Algae Scrubbing event in the Pool Cleaning competition when we return. You’re watching the Suburban Summer Olympics on NBC.”

©2003, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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  • Forever 51

    Were you peeping on my house? Great post! Except my terriers ran onto the golf course and harassed golfers AFTER swimming in the creek. There goes our membership,,,,

    • Tracy Baron Beckerman

      You can be on my Olympic team!

  • energywriter

    Hilarious, Tracy! I could see it all, and you in the starring role, Oops, as the gold medalist.

    • Tracy Baron Beckerman

      I’ll probably only get the bronze.

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