Believe me when I tell you that I love my dog. That being said, I have to admit, I would never, ever let him lick me on my face and I cringe when I see other people locking lips with their dogs. Although some people would make the case that the human mouth is far more disgusting than a canine’s, I would beg to differ.

Let’s start with a rundown of how my dog spent his day today:

6:30am: Went outside. Peed, sniffed some grass, and ate a slug

7am: Ate breakfast (actual dog food)

7:15am: Washed down breakfast with a toilet bowl chaser (I can’t swear it was flushed) and then helped himself to a dessert of used tissues from the garbage can

8am: Went outside a second time. Pooped, found a partially decomposed squirrel and tried to have it for second breakfast before I tossed it into the bushes

9am: Spent a good half an hour licking himself in places where the sun don’t shine

10am: Went outside a third time. Found a puddle filled with worms from the previous night’s rain. Had worm soup

10:20am: More licking. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Doggie Pop?

11am: Chewed up dirty socks left on teenage son’s floor. A little dry but tasty.

Noon: Went for a long walk with me. Tried to eat a) dead bird, b) a rock and c) empty can of Red Bull.

1pm: More licking. His mouth may be filthy but this dog has the cleanest nether regions in the western hemisphere.

2:30pm: Went outside. Discovered a veritable buffet of deer poop.

3pm: Kids came home. Threw dog Frisbee. Dog returned with decomposed squirrel from earlier in the day

4-6pm: Naptime. Can’t eat disgusting things while sleeping

6pm: Served dinner (kibble). Did not eat it. Probably full from deer poop, slugs, worm soup, dead squirrel, red bull and rocks

This is a pretty typical day for him. And before you start going all PETA on me about letting him get into all this, I will swear that I watch this dog like a HAWK but he is like Houdini when it comes to quickly getting out of sight to find something disgusting to wolf down.

Now maybe your dog isn’t this bad, and if that is the case, I apologize for making disparaging remarks about being kissed by a dog. But experience has taught me that dogs can, and will, eat anything that smells interesting, chew on whatever is chewable, and lick wherever they can reach because they are dogs and that is what they do.

I love him no less for this…
But kiss him I will not.

However, if you would like to smooch with your pooch, knock yourself out.

©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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  • the domestic fringe

    Love this. I’m making my kids read it!!!

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      Depending on how old they are, it might make them curious about the taste of slugs. Just saying’…

  • whatimeant2say

    Hilarious! My dog is apparently a sofa upholstered with Berber carpeting, as he has consumed both of those in great quantities!

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      We had a dog that did that so much when I was growing up I was convinced he was going to eventually throw up a club chair.

  • Helle

    A long time ago when I was trying to potty train my Twins, I had finally got one of them to poop in the potty. I was so proud of myself (and it was monstrous) so I saved it for my husband to see when he got home from work. I forgot to put the lid down. The dog ate it before he could see it. So I don’t let dogs kiss me either….

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      Wow, that may be the most disgusting dog story ever. You win!!

      • Helle

        Ironically, I wrote about it and submitted it for the 2010 EBWW contest. It didn’t win. LOL!

    • lostinsuburbiablog

      Probably not a good idea to make the judges want to throw up reading your essay.

      • Helle

        Hey, I have 4 kids. Sometimes poop is all I have to talk about. 😉

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