My good friend Susan recently gave me a medal.

This is it.

It is not for being a great writer, or a good friend, or a stupendous wife.

It’s for being the Oldest Living Menstruating Woman on the Planet.

Honestly, I didn’t know they give medals for stuff like that, but Susan says they do, and she is a humor-writing, Harley-riding, Baptist Minister so, of course I believe her!*

In fact, on a recent visit to my gynecologist, she said the same thing. Well, actually she said I was the Oldest Menstruating Woman in her Practice, but, you know, same difference.

What my doctor actually said when she got up off the floor after I told her I was still getting it was, “Wait here. I have to go tell my staff. They’re never going to believe this.”

Nice, huh?

The thing is, I really have no idea why my ovaries are still in action. At this point, my eggs would need walkers to get down my fallopian tubes. My uterus is so old it has a subscription to AARP magazine. And my cervix, if it asked, would probably get a senior discount at Dunkin’ Donuts.

The doctor says it is actually a good thing I’m still getting my period because it means my skin and bones are still getting a lot of benefit from my hormones. In the meantime, my skin is so confused that I am getting pimples and wrinkles at the same time and I have to use anti-aging moisturizer with Clearasil in it.

They say you can tell when you are going to go through the “pause” by when your mother went through it. Unfortunately, my mom went through an early menopause for medical reasons, so she’s no help. Then my doctor asked me about my grandmother. My grandmother wouldn’t even acknowledge that she and my grandfather had sex to produce my mother and my uncle, so talking about menopause was out of the question.

At this point, my eggs would need walkers to get down my fallopian tubes.

 

Besides, who asks their grandmother such things when you are in your twenties? I was too worried that I would inherit her gene for chin hairs when I got older.

And apparently I did. Thanks Nana.

Meanwhile, back at ovulation central, I actually went 32 days with no period, and I thought, “THIS IS IT!  I’m finally done! I’m ready for my my hot flashes and night sweats now, Mr. DeVille!”

 

And then on day 33 it reappeared like a bad habit, or an unwanted house guest, or friend who wants to borrow money, or a child who graduated college, or a… well, you get the idea.  At that point I decided it was time to have a little talk with my reproductive system.

So, I said, “Hey you lady parts, it’s okay to stop doing your thing now. You have qualified for Medicare and you can start collecting Social Security. There is a condo in a retirement community in Boca with your name written all over it. It’s time to enjoy the finer things in life like  shuffleboard and pinochle.  Yes, you CAN get the early bird special at 4 and no one will mock you. It’s always dinnertime somewhere.

“Have fun in retirement and, my dear ovaries,

Don’t let the door hit you in the eggs.”

 

*BTW, when she is not busy commenting on the state of my menstrual cycle, Susan is busy writing books. You can check her very funny stuff out at https://amzn.to/3jYVErF

©2021, Lost Media Entertainment, LLC. All rights reserved. Follow Tracy on her Facebook Fan page at Facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage,  join the Lost in Midlife group at facebook.com/groups/lostinmidlife/ and follow on Instagram @TracyinMidlife

 

12 Comments

  • Anita

    loved them, VERY funny. Actually smiled before coffee.

    • Tracy Beckerman

      Always happy to help start your day with a smile!

  • Cindy Petric

    OMG, thought I was the only one who had “it” until I was 60! I laughed so hard. LOVE LOVE LOVE your columns and now found you on line so will read you every Tuesday! Will now call it my “Happy Tuesdays”.

    • Tracy Beckerman

      SIXTY?!?! Oh you poor thing! My peri-menopausal hat is off to you!

  • Denise Thiery

    OMG this is hilarious and somewhat relatable since I have been through with the egg-producing business for quite a few years. I will still be laughing at this every time it pops into my head, which I suspect will be often. Thanks for the laughs.

    • Tracy Beckerman

      Thanks for visiting!

  • Linda

    Loved this. I love your humor! Eggs with walkers is classic and hysterically funny!

    • Tracy Beckerman

      Pretty sure they also wear housecoats

  • Bonnie

    Just reread this. The paragraph above the knitted uterus is the BEST PARAGRAPH EVER!

    • Tracy Beckerman

      LOL! Thanks!

  • Sarah

    My six younger sisters were not amused when I told them, at 56, that I was still regular as clockwork.

    • Tracy Beckerman

      Tell them it is a special club we belong to. The Old Farts Who Still Get Their Period club.

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