Lost in Midlife

Chock it to Me

Chock it to Me

Every so often I get an email of doom from a friend that they got from another friend that had been circulated around the email universe for a year or more.   The latest one I received warned that we are on the verge of a severe Global Chocolate Shortage. I immediately had my doubts. But since this was chocolate they…

Having the Time of My Shoes

Having the Time of My Shoes

Like many women I know, I have a vast array of shoes. Unlike clothing, shoes, for the most part, continue to fit whether you gain or lose weight, so they are the bright spot in a sometimes cruel and taunting closet. For this reason, women take their shoes very seriously and many will spend quite some time organizing their shoes…

All Lined Up and Nowhere to Go

All Lined Up and Nowhere to Go

It was one of those days where everything was taking a ridiculously long time. There was a line at the drycleaners. A line at the supermarket. A line at the coffee shop. I was starting to think that everyone in the world had the same to-do list that I did; they were just one to-do ahead of me the whole…

You’ve Been Blocked

You’ve Been Blocked

I’ve been blocked on Facebook… again. When I say, again, I don’t mean to make it sound like it’s something that happens all the time. As far as I know it’s only been two times. But even two times is a lot when you’re used to getting along with everyone and, to your knowledge, have never been accused of something…

If the Tankini Fits…

If the Tankini Fits…

This year, I worked hard to drop a few pounds over the winter so that when the summer arrived, I wouldn’t have to face my annual swimwear terror attack. Honestly, I find shark-infested waters less scary than trying on bathing suits. Bungee jumping? Piece of cake. Wrestling alligators? Not a problem. Standing half-naked in front of a three-way mirror when I…

The Cream of the Crop

The Cream of the Crop

“Oh no!” I cried from the bathroom. “Honey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” My husband ran into the room, wondering, I’m sure, what kind of tragedy could have transpired with only me, the sink, and the toilet in the room. “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” I said, looking at him forlornly. “What???” he asked. “I used my night cream instead…

No Phone on the Throne

No Phone on the Throne

I could hear the phone ringing from the bathroom.  I have no psychic abilities and I wasn’t expecting a call, but I had absolutely no doubt who was calling. It was my husband. “Hey honey, it’s me,” I heard him say to my voicemail. “Can you give me a call?” “I’M IN THE BATHROOM!” I yelled back, as though he could…

Pillow Talk

Pillow Talk

Every once in a while I get bitten by the redecorating bug and I feel compelled to refresh one of the rooms in the house. In the grand scheme of things, this is not as bad, as say, wanting to refresh husbands.  Of course, it might actually be cheaper to get a new husband than a new family room.  But…

A Letter to the Grammar Police

A Letter to the Grammar Police

Dear Grammar Police, I wanted to thank you publicly for noticing a grammatical error in my recent column with regard to my use of the pronoun “I.” Apparently I had written, “the kids and I,” when I should have said “the kids and me.” This was a gross error of unparalleled magnitude and I apologize profusely for committing this miscarriage…

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

“I’ll be right back,” said my husband as he headed for the door. “Where are you going?” I demanded.  We were in the middle of moving some of our stuff out of storage and putting some other stuff back in. It was a relatively massive job and I was counting on my husband to do all the heavy lifting while…