“What’s for dinner tonight?” my husband asked, inhaling deeply as he lifted the top off a simmering pot of tomato sauce. I shooed him away. “We’re having Spaghetti Marinara.” “Cool,” he said. “But I thought we were eating gluten-free?” “We are,” I assured him. “But pasta isn’t gluten-free.” “It’s not actually spaghetti,” I said. “It’s Veggetti.” “Veggetti?” he repeated. “Yeah.…
My good friend Susan recently gave me a medal. This is it. It is not for being a great writer, or a good friend, or a stupendous wife. It’s for being the Oldest Living Menstruating Woman on the Planet. Honestly, I didn’t know they give medals for stuff like that, but Susan says they do, and she is a humor-writing,…
In certain Eastern spiritual traditions, the “Third Eye” is a mystical concept that represents a space of higher consciousness and enlightenment. For me, it represents a zit right in the middle of my forehead. “Nice third eye,” said my husband when I woke up one morning. “Whaaa?” I questioned, running to the mirror in the bathroom. “Can you see my…
Today is National “I Got Nothing Done Because My Dog Yakked on the Carpet” Day. Maybe you’ve never heard of this holiday before. It is a little-known holiday… except by people who own rugs and dogs. These folks know that if you only have one area carpet in your entire home and the WHOLE rest of the place is hardwood…
“What are you doing?” I asked my husband who was digging into his toolbox. “I’m looking for my tape measure,” he said. “Why?” “So when the snow comes, I can measure it,” he replied matter-of-factly. Although my husband sometimes comes up with some crazy ideas, this certainly seemed like a reasonable thing to do if we were expecting a lot…
Contrary to popular belief, the three words a woman likes to hear most from her husband are not, “I love you.” They are, “You were right.” So, you can imagine my utter, sheer, uncontainable joy when I heard the news this week that there was finally proof of something I had been telling my husband for years: Toilet paper is…
Not long after my fiftieth birthday I noticed a disturbing trend. Everyone had suddenly started printing things smaller. As I looked around, I was shocked to see that the type on the food packaging had gotten smaller, the words in the newspaper and magazines I read had gotten smaller, and the names on street signs had gotten smaller. As a…
“Ummm, this is good,” said my husband with a mouthful of food. “What is it?” I looked up from the kitchen sink where I was doing dishes. “It’s a cronut.” “A what?” “A cronut. It’s part croissant part doughnut.” He looked at me like I had two heads. “I was actually going to get some duffins, but the cronuts looked…
I am the queen of organization. But the one place in the house that defies my vast organizational skills is the junk drawer. The junk drawer is that place in everyone’s home that becomes the final resting place for every pen, penny, tchotchke and doohickey that doesn’t belong anywhere else. The problem with the junk drawer, of course, is you…
As we worked our way through the holiday season, I was prepared for the onslaught of Christmas music, Christmas decorations, and Christmas sales. What I was not prepared for, was the Christmas sweaters… On dogs. “Excuse me,” I said to the lady with a unhappy looking pug wearing a Christmas romper with writing on it. “What does it say on your…