Lost in Midlife

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

The Sad, Sorry Tale of the Depot Man

“I’ll be right back,” said my husband as he headed for the door. “Where are you going?” I demanded.  We were in the middle of moving our summer stuff out of storage and putting our winter stuff back in. It was a relatively massive job and I was counting on my husband to do all the heavy lifting while I…

Out of the Cast Iron Pan and into the Fire

Out of the Cast Iron Pan and into the Fire

When a friend gave me a gift of a cast iron pan, I was very appreciative. She’s a great cook and she swore by her great-grandmother’s hand-me-down cast iron pan. Apparently it had been in the family since they migrated east from the great plains in the 1800’s where they used to cook scorpions in their cast iron pans over an open flame…

If the Shoe Fits, Lose it

If the Shoe Fits, Lose it

“Honey, have you seen my shoes?” asked my husband as he wandered around the living room, peering under furniture. “Which ones?” I responded. “My brown boots.” I touched my temple and closed my eyes.  “Hmmm.  I can see them. Yes, they are coming into focus.  They are… under the kitchen table!” My eyes popped open and I smiled. “How do…

Over, Under, Whatever!

Over, Under, Whatever!

Contrary to popular belief, the three words a woman likes to hear most from her husband are not, “I love you.”  They are, “You were right.” So, you can imagine my utter, sheer, uncontainable joy when I heard the news this week that there was finally proof of something I had been telling my husband for years: Toilet paper is…

The Tooth and Nothing but the Tooth

The Tooth and Nothing but the Tooth

Recently I had to go to the drugstore to buy a tube of toothpaste. It took me an hour and a half and I almost had a nervous breakdown. In all honesty, I absolutely believe that there are people in psychiatric hospitals right now who are there as a direct result of shopping for toothpaste. In fact, in the top…

Being a Good Sport

Being a Good Sport

“It’s Tennis Elbow,” my doctor said matter-of-factly. “That’s impossible,” I responded, as I massaged my sore elbow.  “I don’t play tennis.” She sighed.  “It’s just called that because it’s a repetitive injury that is commonly seen in tennis players.” “Well, the only thing I do repetitively with that arm is change the channel with my remote.  In fact,” I continued,…

A Letter to My Ovaries

Dear Jezebel and Medusa, I thought it was time I wrote you, my dear ovaries, a letter. Word on the street has it that you are not happy about the fact that you are still in business. I don’t blame you. You’ve been doing the whole egg release thing since I was 12. I’d be bored if I had the…

Are You a Good Cholesterol or a Bad Cholesterol?

Are You a Good Cholesterol or a Bad Cholesterol?

On most tests, the higher you score, the better you do.  So naturally, when my doctor told me that I got over 300 on my cholesterol test. I thought this was a good thing. “Last year it was 240,” he told me over the phone. “Wow,” I exclaimed. “That’s amazing. I didn’t go up that much the second time I…

To Bra or Not to Bra, That is the Question

To Bra or Not to Bra, That is the Question

My bra is trying to kill me. I know this for a fact because before I put the bra on, I was fine, But after I wore it for ten hours, I thought I was going to die. I’d heard about these renegade bras before in the news. Bras that suddenly, inexplicably stop caring. It’s like something out of a…